Funny Stories Told by the Soldiers Read online

languages,which accounts for what follows:

  One dark night, shortly after midnight, Jean—on a solitary patrol—waslying just outside the wire, about ten meters from the German trench,listening to locate the sentries. There was a faint starlight. Suddenlya whisper came from beyond the wire, a low voice speaking in brokenFrench:

  “Why do you lie so quiet, my friend? I saw you crawl up and havewatched you ever since. I don’t want to shoot you. I am a Bavarian.”

  “Good evening, then,” Jean whispered back in his perfect German.

  “So,” said the sentry, “you speak our language. Wait a moment, tillI warn the rest of my squad, and I will show you the way through thewire; there are no officers about at this hour.”

  Probably not one man in a thousand would have taken such a chance, butJean did, and ten minutes later was standing in the trench in a Germancloak and fatigue cap (in case of passing officers), chatting amiablywith a much interested group of Bavarian soldiers. They gave him beer,showed him their dugouts, and arranged a whistle signal for futurevisits, before bidding him a regretful good night. “We are Bavarians,”they said; “we like and admire the French, and fight only because wemust.”

  NO TIME TO WASTE

  Two soldiers caused some amusement at a golf course the other way. Thefirst man teed up and made a mighty swipe, but failed to shift theball. The miss was repeated no fewer than three times.

  His pal was unable to stand it any longer.

  “For heaven’s sake, Bill,” he broke out, “hit the bloomin’ thing. Youknow we have only four days’ leave.”

  HER GENTLE COME-BACK

  She was a sweet young thing, and having come down to see her soldierbrother, who was on duty at that time, she was being taken round by hischum. She was, of course, full of questions.

  “Who is that person?” she asked, pointing to a color sergeant.

  “Oh! he shook hands with the king; that is why he is wearing a crown onhis arm, you see!” replied the truthful man.

  “And who is that?” she asked, seeing a gymnastic instructor with abadge of crossed Indian clubs.

  “That is the barber; do you not see the scissors on his arm?”

  Seeing yet another man with cuffs decorated with stars, she asked, “Andthat one?”

  “Oh, he is the battalion astronomer; he guides us on night maneuvers!”

  “How interesting!” replied the maiden, when seeing her companion’sbadge, that of an ancient stringed instrument, she asked, “And doesthat thing mean you are the regimental liar?”

  HIS MIND WAS WANDERING

  “Anything I can do for you?” asked a surgeon as he passed the bed of asmiling but badly wounded soldier.

  “Yes, doctor; perhaps you can tell me something I’d very much like toknow,” answered “Sammie.”

  “Fire ahead,” replied the doctor. “What is it?”

  “Well, doctor, when one doctor doctors another doctor, does the doctordoing the doctoring doctor the other doctor like the doctor wants tobe doctored, or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the otherdoctor like the doctor doing the doctoring wants to doctor him?”

  THE SEX OF THE KILTIES

  While some Scottish regiments were disembarking in France, severalFrench officers were watching them. One observed: “They can’t be women,for they have mustaches; but they can’t be men, for they wear skirts.”

  “I have it,” said another. “They’re that famous Middlesex regiment fromLondon.”

  PLAY BALL!

  Sing a song of baseball, Good old Yankee game; Rain or shine, war or peace, Play it just the same. Out behind the trenches, Swat the little pill, Helps to boost the spirit For swatting Kaiser Bill.

  HE’D BEEN THERE HIMSELF

  Two colored troopers in France called upon the Chaplain.

  “Look here, Mr. Chaplain, we wants you for to settle an argument,” saidone of them. “Dis here man says lots of saints were colored folks.Would you please tell me how many of dem ’postles were niggers?”

  “None of them was a darky,” said the Chaplain.

  “Well, Sir, that settles it. Dis man wanted me to believe that St.Peter was a nigger, and I just told him: ‘No, Sah, St. Peter was nonigger, ’cause I heard you say about St. Peter and dat rooster crowin’twice. If St. Peter was a nigger I jest know dat rooster would neverhave a chance to crow a second time; no, Sah.’”

  EIGHTEEN YEARS OF HOPE

  A wife whose husband is on active service recently presented him with abouncing baby boy. She wrote to ask him when he should get leave, andalso when the war would be over. His reply was as follows:

  “Dear Lucy:—I don’t know when I shall get leave or when the war will beover, but if the baby should be called up before I get leave, give hima parcel to bring out to me. Your loving husband, Bill.”

  A NICKNAME THAT STUCK

  The Post School for Soldiers gathered for the afternoon session. Theteacher was the Chaplain. The lesson, he said, was about the adverb.“What is an adverb?” There was an eloquent silence. At last a wearyvoice ventured: “That’s a word that ends in ly. I learned that back inMissouri.”

  “Can you give me a definition?” said the Chaplain.

  “No, Sir.”

  “Can you give me an example of an adverb?”

  “Yes, Sir,” came the response; “Kelly.”

  Some months afterward, while in camp overseas, the Chaplain addressed asentry and inquired who was Corporal of the guard. And the answer came:“Kelly, the adverb, Sir.”

  PAT WAS SMOKING

  Scene: A smoking compartment in a British railway carriage.

  Old Gent (to Pat going home to Monaghan on furlough)—“Young man, allowme to inform you that out of every ten cases of men suffering fromparalysis of the tongue, nine are due to smoking.”

  Pat—“Allow me to inform you, sir, that out of every ten men sufferingfrom broken noses, nine are due to the habit of not minding their ownbusiness.”

  FORGOT HIS LINES

  The Canadians are credited with the story of the stupid Yorkshiresentry:

  The first night he stood guard he hailed an approaching officer inproper form:

  “’Oo goes there?”

  “Canadian rifles.”

  There was a moment of silence. Then the Yorkshireman repeated:

  “’Oo goes there?”

  “The Canadian Rifles,” was the impatient answer. More silence. Then theYorkshireman again challenged:

  “’Oo goes there?”

  “The Canadian rifles, you qualified blighter,” shouted the enragedofficer.

  There was a long period of quiet while the Canadian watched theYorkshireman’s obviously ready rifle. Then there was a moan from thesentry:

  “Blowed if I hain’t forgot what to say next!”

  SO THERE’S PLENTY OF IT

  William Thaw, the young Pittsburgh millionaire who has done suchwonderful flying in France, was being praised at a luncheon party.

  “Mr. Thaw,” said a pretty girl, “is as brave as he is witty. I saw himmake a splendid flight one day, and on his descent I said to him:

  “‘Flying requires some special application, doesn’t it?’

  “‘Oh, no,’ said he. ‘Any old kind of horse liniment will do.’”

  LIVELY ENEMY

  A company of very new soldiers were out on a wide heath, practicing theart of taking cover. The officer in charge of them turned to one of therawest of his men.

  “Get down behind that hillock there,” he ordered, sternly, “and, mind,not a move or a sound!”

  A few minutes later he looked around to see if they were all concealed,and, to his despair, observed something wriggling behind the smallmound. Even as he watched the movements became more frantic.

  “I say, you there,” he shouted, angrily, “do you know you are givingour position away to the enemy?”

  “Yes, sir,” said the recruit, in a voice of cool desperation, “and doyou know that this is an anthill?” r />
  NO REGRETS

  A certain drill sergeant, whose severity had made him unpopular withhis troops, was putting a party of recruits through the funeralservice. Opening the ranks so as to admit the passage of the supposedcortege between them, the instructor, by way of explanation, walkedslowly down the lane formed by the two ranks, saying, as he did so:

  “Now, I’m the corpse. Pay attention.”

  Having reached the end of the path, he turned round, regarding themsteadily with a scrutinizing eye for a moment or two, then exclaimed:

  “Your ’ands is right, and your ’eads is right, but you haven’t got thatlook of regret you ought to ’ave.”

  TOO MUCH WASTED EFFORT

  A squad of rookies, composed of various nationalities, mostly Italian,on being given the command “mark time!” all executed the command withthe exception of one small dark-skinned son of Naples.

  The sergeant asked him why he did not execute the movement and hereplied:

  “Donna wan to.”

  “Why not?” sharply demanded the sergeant.

  “Cause-a we walk-a like deuce and don’t-a get-a no place!”

  MAD ENOUGH TO LICK ANYONE

  Before entering the Army this rookie was a peaceful lad, but rising at5:15 in the morning went against his principles. On this particularmorning, as he